Mi Mother wuz lookin all languid
She’d just come home from down t’pit
She’d taken er knittin and a nice cup o’ tea
To an armchair where she’d have a good sit.
She wuz sittin we’t feet up all comfortable like
When a noise came a’ bangin at door
“Oh now, what is that?” she said in a pet
And oe’r t’cat tripped full length on the floor.
Now the language it wuz kind o’ mucky
You’d never heard such things in your life
There wuz uffin and cussin and flamin and wot.
And the air you could cut with a knife.
There wuz effin and jeffin and language
That wud crimson a publicans ear
Til she opened the door and standin just there
Was the curate who’d just come to see her
Over a matter to do wit Women’s section
Of which she took such a pride
And the problems of which, she solve in a flash
Or else generally took all in her stride.
But this time she couldn’t for sake of it
Standin there all wet and drippin
All covered in tea and cat and stuff
Keepin Curate standin and sniffin
And all she could do in situations like this
Cos’ she wuz all oe’ercome and coy
Was shut door straight in’t young curates face
As they shouldn’t ave sent such a boy
To see her dishevelled and mucky and such
Whatever would women’s section all say
With her and her pinny and curlers wit language they’d heard
Her temper ud cause an affray
Now curate e’ left in a dudgeon
Which was wrong for a man of the cloth
And e’ stopped just in’t road, beside our front gate
and quietly dust himself off
Mi Mam ad just sat down for tea once again
When a commotion it started outside
She went to window to see what wuz up
In time to see a man runnin up t’drive
“Whatever’s to do?” she said opening door
She could see that the man he wuz shocked
And observed the man he wuz handsome and nice
Whilst at the same time straightenin her frock
The man he blurt out all at once
It wuz difficult to ere what e’ said
“There's been a terrible accident” he mumbled
“And I think your poor animals dead”
“Wot animals this,” said mi mother
Thinkin of the cat still inside
“Yer big dog all black wi a white collar”
After some moments the man he replied
“There no dog wi a collar ere” mi Mam said
“black, white nor any other”
“You’d best look again my young man
And your description it needs to be fuller”
“Oh no!” said the man lookin paler and shocked
It’s only just now that I’ve seen it
“What’s done wot is done and I’ll go straight to hell
Cos I’ve only just run oe’er curate!”
Our Stan & Doris and the bike ride.
Now our Stan he wuz givin a compass
Of which he was inordinately proud
He could tell at glance which direction wuz best
And he wuz not just going all round and round
He liked a good walk did our Stanley
And often wuz seen up in t’ills
On’t weekend you cud see fer miles and miles
with views t’make yer heart fill.
Now our Doris is wife wuz quite different
And didn’t quite share in Stans passion
She restricted herself to making is bit
With butties like to go out o’t fashion
So whilst e wuz out in all weathers
Our Doris she remained stay at home
She did all is mendin and cleanin and such
So folk didn’t gossip bowt their home
Trouble is Doris wuz bored
With spreadin and dustin ant like
So she thought for a change of t’scenery
She’d go fer a ride on Stan’s bike
She brought bike right out o’garage
An down t’roadside she went
Where some workers were workin an diggin some oles
Makin road good fer all as paid rent
Now she knew that Stan wuz up in is ill’s again
Although she did not know quite where
So she made up some butties and crisps and some pop
And adjusted bike seat wi some care
For now she had quite a problem
As her frock wuz obviously too tight
So she altered the length, pulled up oe’er er knees
Til the hem seemed just bout right
But she still couldn’t get on’t bike you see
Cos the cross bar it got in the way
And no matter she fiddled and fussed wi er frock
She liked to be there all day.
Much to the joy of the workmen
Who were avin much fun wi this show
Till she pulled them a face and stuck out er tongue
It were cheek but she knew they wud know
Then she ad inspiration
A knife to frocks seams she wud take
And then on’t bike she would be off
A’ followin straight in Stan’s wake
But this did not work as an action
It was fiddly and not very bright
For no sooner she’d cocked er leg up all lady like
She’d got a great tear in er tight
Removing said items whilst sittin on’t kerb
Caused such a fuss and palava
That it caused workmen t’laugh and neighbours curtains to twitch
When Doris she’d sooner they’d neither.
Now before eed gone out that mornin
Stan ad oiled is chain good an proper
Trouble is, it ad dripped and spread everywhere
An Doris ad come such a cropper
Cos she’d sat in the oil pool
As it lay and sun wuz an ot un
Now feelin quite wet Doris then checked
findin now she ad a slick bottom
Things were not going well for our Doris
In trying to go for her ride
She wuz all to give up and call it a day
Instead of takin all in er stride
Er clothes they were dirty and torn
Her legs they were slimy and wet
She must a thought it all over an finished
Until she saw the best yet
For walking up road came our Stanley
A’ whistlin and stridin is best
When all of a sudden e saw Doris
Sittin as if takin a rest
Now wot be you doin quoth Stanley
A’ sittin side o’t road like a tramp
You’ll be getting folk talkin and callin us names
As well as makin yer backside quite damp
Well Doris would ave non o’ this
And listin to port with a sigh
Picked up yon bike ant threw it at Stan
Who caught it mid air with a cry
Bike an Stan both fell over back int road
Just as steamroller went past
Tragedy then struck as roller went oe’er bike
And Stan in whose hands it were clasped
Oh no shouted workmen an Doris
An neighbours ran out in a shock
For the workmen had just laid their tarmac
An Doris ad sorted er frock
For Stan wuz flat as a pancake
An’t bike it wuz fairly destroyed
An the moral to this sad tale Is keep things as they are
Not to change them is to keep them enjoyed